2010...
blew.
I got dumped. Hard.
One of my best friends' family moved to Iowa.
I've been blown off by girls who flatter themselves by thinking I'm interested.
I've been hurt. A lot.
I had a few bright moments, though. Like my summer at SpringHill
Or Ragtime.
I made 3 A's in college. Best grades I've ever gotten.
So I'm not sure what to make of this year. I'm not overwhelmed by "this is a good year". I'm ready to move on from it, I think. I have a lot of growing up to do and only 2011 to do it. This time next year I am out in the real world. I really hope that God helps me through all this. He has put some incredible people in my life to help me through it. I need to be closer to God and use him to make my 2011 the best it could possibly be. I love you all.
God Bless You (Yes, you) and Happy New Year!
Nick
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My latest struggles
I struggle with some of the same things as many others. Lust. Anger. Jealousy. Self-Esteem. All of these things have played a constant role in hurting me throughout a good portion of my life. My prayer for myself and for my loved ones is that we all overcome these things. God has created us, knowing that we are better than these things. Satan throws these things at us to try to break us. We are not stronger. But God IS.
My struggle with anger has gotten so much better. I'm learning (slowly but surely) to let things go. I have been struggling lately with hatred of this one particular person. I'm just lately finding out that it's my deep-seeded insecurities making me angry. I'm angry because (if you don't know the situation) this guy "won" in a certain life situation, and I broke down thinking "Why in the world would this guy, who is a complete jerk, win, and I lose?" But I'm learning to let go. I'm choosing to believe that God's plan for his life is mapped out and that he "needs the win" (for those of you who watched HIMYM last night) . So I'm going to let him have it. I've let go.
My weeks are getting so crazy that I forget to spend time with God, but I am realizing that I can always go back, and it will be just as wonderful as always. The support system God has placed in my life is great, and even though I constantly hurt with worry and missing my friends who are far away, God allows me peace. I am constantly learning lessons. Unfortunately, I am often learning them the hard way. But I know that I am alive today because God intended it, and that I have lessons to learn, and have to live to serve him and others in the best way that I can.
Occasionally I go back to the entrance of the dark place I mentioned in my previous post. I never go all the way in, because I know God does not want that, but depression often eats away at me. If you are reading this, I hope you will pray for me that I continue to see God through the dark and fight my way through to the light.
If you are reading this and need prayers, or need something, ANYTHING from me, please let me know. I aspire to serve in any way possible. I will try as often as I can to take time out to pray for you, or to listen to you, or to offer advice, or a shoulder to cry on. You are as much of a child of God as anyone else, and you deserve that much. Or if you have any questions for me, I will always answer you honestly.
I love you all. Thanks for reading. God bless.
My struggle with anger has gotten so much better. I'm learning (slowly but surely) to let things go. I have been struggling lately with hatred of this one particular person. I'm just lately finding out that it's my deep-seeded insecurities making me angry. I'm angry because (if you don't know the situation) this guy "won" in a certain life situation, and I broke down thinking "Why in the world would this guy, who is a complete jerk, win, and I lose?" But I'm learning to let go. I'm choosing to believe that God's plan for his life is mapped out and that he "needs the win" (for those of you who watched HIMYM last night) . So I'm going to let him have it. I've let go.
My weeks are getting so crazy that I forget to spend time with God, but I am realizing that I can always go back, and it will be just as wonderful as always. The support system God has placed in my life is great, and even though I constantly hurt with worry and missing my friends who are far away, God allows me peace. I am constantly learning lessons. Unfortunately, I am often learning them the hard way. But I know that I am alive today because God intended it, and that I have lessons to learn, and have to live to serve him and others in the best way that I can.
Occasionally I go back to the entrance of the dark place I mentioned in my previous post. I never go all the way in, because I know God does not want that, but depression often eats away at me. If you are reading this, I hope you will pray for me that I continue to see God through the dark and fight my way through to the light.
If you are reading this and need prayers, or need something, ANYTHING from me, please let me know. I aspire to serve in any way possible. I will try as often as I can to take time out to pray for you, or to listen to you, or to offer advice, or a shoulder to cry on. You are as much of a child of God as anyone else, and you deserve that much. Or if you have any questions for me, I will always answer you honestly.
I love you all. Thanks for reading. God bless.
Monday, September 27, 2010
My Story
I can tell you right now, this is probably going to be a long entry. I have a lot of things I need to put out there. Also, it approaches and interacts with the fact that I'm a Christian. If you don't want to know my story, then please stop reading now..........
or NOW.
Or Now.
Ok, well then you must seriously want to hear it. Well, you're outta luck unless you read it out loud. So here goes.
I can't remember a time when I was not going to church as a child. My family is all Christian, and I am very blessed to be that way. One of the first turning points in my early life is my baptism at age 10, by my grandfather, Ralph Denham, a Church of Christ preacher. At the time we had recently moved from Brookville, Ohio, where I spent most of my early childhood, to Anderson, Indiana. I started the 5th grade in Anderson and was baptized before I left the 5th grade.
I started middle school in the 6th grade. As most middle schoolers will tell you. I did not have an easy time. Until that point I had been so secure in who I was, because I knew that God loved me, and so did my parents. But when my peers began to question me, make fun of me, tease me relentlessly, I had no idea what to do. I was not used to an environment in which there was not some sort of love among all people.
The teasing in middle school simply began what turned into a 9 year battle with depression. Depression has many side effects, of which I won't go into to great a detail. That's a discussion for another time and place. But the main thing you have to understand about depression, is that when you have it your mindset falls into "who really cares?"
Needless to say, even though I met better people along the way, my depression battle continued into high school, and before high school started my family had moved again. This time to Columbus, Indiana.
My experiences in Columbus were better than before. I was better at making friends, I had made conscious efforts at improving my appearance, and I had things to keep me busy (Band, Theatre, etc.). But depression still constantly left its mark, especially on my lack of confidence in relationships (dating, and otherwise) and it can be attributed to nothing but a lack of closeness with God. I was relying solely on others for affirmation of myself, and you can rely only on God for such things. I know this now.
This brings us to college. I chose to attend Lipscomb University, in Nashville, Tennessee because I felt God's tug, just a little. I met some great friends and a girl and everything went great for awhile. But as always, depression and my lack of closeness with the Father was my downfall, and my sophomore year everything fell apart. This lead to a decision in the fall of my junior year, not to return to Lipscomb.
I stayed home that fall, I went to Ivy Tech Community College, and I started taking medication and going to counseling for my depression. Bad idea. I also was working 35 hours a week at K-mart, and these things should never never never never never never EVER mix.
(This is where it gets "graphic". If you are easily saddened, maddened, or hurt, look away.)
It was close to this time last year that my depression had worsened to its all time low. I texted one of my friends (still at Lipscomb) and told her that I had been thinking about suicide. Since depression lets you think no one cares, when she didn't respond, I figured she didn't either. (This is where I usually start to cry, but since this isn't oral I wanted you to be aware) So I created a plan in my head, and actually walked out the door, intending never to return.
And then something incredible happened.
One of my best friends, going to school two hours away, showed up. Out of nowhere. He wanted to hang out, so we did. He wanted to see a movie. So we did. At the movie, my Lipscomb friend had recieved my text, and while my phone was off, I received an insane amount of voicemails and text messages. In her panic, she had called my ex-girlfriend, who had in turn called the friend that I was sitting next to.
After the movie, and a long couple hours of talking, I had broken down. My friend, sitting in the car with me, told me something that night that I will never forget. He said, "If you go home, and do something to yourself now...I'm gonna be SO pissed!"
And I laugh, now. But I hope you saw those last few paragraphs the same way I did. God. Saved. My. Life.
And I couldn't believe with more of my heart that I'm alive for a reason.
To round it out....
I went back to Lipscomb the following semester. I believe wholeheartedly that God intends for me to be here, or I wouldn't be.
I also worked at SpringHill Camp this summer, and shared this very same story with many, many junior high boys, in hopes that their lives will turn out better than mine.
And I am closer with God than I have ever been. I still have a long way to go and need as much help as I can get, but I now recognize when Satan attacks, and will never go back to that dark place. I love God, my family, and my friends, SO much. I aspire to live the best servant lifestyle that I possibly can, and to better the glory of God through everything I do. I love you. Yes. You. And may God bless you on the road ahead. I will blog again soon. Maybe. :)
God bless,
Nicholas A. Hogan
or NOW.
Or Now.
Ok, well then you must seriously want to hear it. Well, you're outta luck unless you read it out loud. So here goes.
I can't remember a time when I was not going to church as a child. My family is all Christian, and I am very blessed to be that way. One of the first turning points in my early life is my baptism at age 10, by my grandfather, Ralph Denham, a Church of Christ preacher. At the time we had recently moved from Brookville, Ohio, where I spent most of my early childhood, to Anderson, Indiana. I started the 5th grade in Anderson and was baptized before I left the 5th grade.
I started middle school in the 6th grade. As most middle schoolers will tell you. I did not have an easy time. Until that point I had been so secure in who I was, because I knew that God loved me, and so did my parents. But when my peers began to question me, make fun of me, tease me relentlessly, I had no idea what to do. I was not used to an environment in which there was not some sort of love among all people.
The teasing in middle school simply began what turned into a 9 year battle with depression. Depression has many side effects, of which I won't go into to great a detail. That's a discussion for another time and place. But the main thing you have to understand about depression, is that when you have it your mindset falls into "who really cares?"
Needless to say, even though I met better people along the way, my depression battle continued into high school, and before high school started my family had moved again. This time to Columbus, Indiana.
My experiences in Columbus were better than before. I was better at making friends, I had made conscious efforts at improving my appearance, and I had things to keep me busy (Band, Theatre, etc.). But depression still constantly left its mark, especially on my lack of confidence in relationships (dating, and otherwise) and it can be attributed to nothing but a lack of closeness with God. I was relying solely on others for affirmation of myself, and you can rely only on God for such things. I know this now.
This brings us to college. I chose to attend Lipscomb University, in Nashville, Tennessee because I felt God's tug, just a little. I met some great friends and a girl and everything went great for awhile. But as always, depression and my lack of closeness with the Father was my downfall, and my sophomore year everything fell apart. This lead to a decision in the fall of my junior year, not to return to Lipscomb.
I stayed home that fall, I went to Ivy Tech Community College, and I started taking medication and going to counseling for my depression. Bad idea. I also was working 35 hours a week at K-mart, and these things should never never never never never never EVER mix.
(This is where it gets "graphic". If you are easily saddened, maddened, or hurt, look away.)
It was close to this time last year that my depression had worsened to its all time low. I texted one of my friends (still at Lipscomb) and told her that I had been thinking about suicide. Since depression lets you think no one cares, when she didn't respond, I figured she didn't either. (This is where I usually start to cry, but since this isn't oral I wanted you to be aware) So I created a plan in my head, and actually walked out the door, intending never to return.
And then something incredible happened.
One of my best friends, going to school two hours away, showed up. Out of nowhere. He wanted to hang out, so we did. He wanted to see a movie. So we did. At the movie, my Lipscomb friend had recieved my text, and while my phone was off, I received an insane amount of voicemails and text messages. In her panic, she had called my ex-girlfriend, who had in turn called the friend that I was sitting next to.
After the movie, and a long couple hours of talking, I had broken down. My friend, sitting in the car with me, told me something that night that I will never forget. He said, "If you go home, and do something to yourself now...I'm gonna be SO pissed!"
And I laugh, now. But I hope you saw those last few paragraphs the same way I did. God. Saved. My. Life.
And I couldn't believe with more of my heart that I'm alive for a reason.
To round it out....
I went back to Lipscomb the following semester. I believe wholeheartedly that God intends for me to be here, or I wouldn't be.
I also worked at SpringHill Camp this summer, and shared this very same story with many, many junior high boys, in hopes that their lives will turn out better than mine.
And I am closer with God than I have ever been. I still have a long way to go and need as much help as I can get, but I now recognize when Satan attacks, and will never go back to that dark place. I love God, my family, and my friends, SO much. I aspire to live the best servant lifestyle that I possibly can, and to better the glory of God through everything I do. I love you. Yes. You. And may God bless you on the road ahead. I will blog again soon. Maybe. :)
God bless,
Nicholas A. Hogan
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