I can tell you right now, this is probably going to be a long entry. I have a lot of things I need to put out there. Also, it approaches and interacts with the fact that I'm a Christian. If you don't want to know my story, then please stop reading now..........
or NOW.
Or Now.
Ok, well then you must seriously want to hear it. Well, you're outta luck unless you read it out loud. So here goes.
I can't remember a time when I was not going to church as a child. My family is all Christian, and I am very blessed to be that way. One of the first turning points in my early life is my baptism at age 10, by my grandfather, Ralph Denham, a Church of Christ preacher. At the time we had recently moved from Brookville, Ohio, where I spent most of my early childhood, to Anderson, Indiana. I started the 5th grade in Anderson and was baptized before I left the 5th grade.
I started middle school in the 6th grade. As most middle schoolers will tell you. I did not have an easy time. Until that point I had been so secure in who I was, because I knew that God loved me, and so did my parents. But when my peers began to question me, make fun of me, tease me relentlessly, I had no idea what to do. I was not used to an environment in which there was not some sort of love among all people.
The teasing in middle school simply began what turned into a 9 year battle with depression. Depression has many side effects, of which I won't go into to great a detail. That's a discussion for another time and place. But the main thing you have to understand about depression, is that when you have it your mindset falls into "who really cares?"
Needless to say, even though I met better people along the way, my depression battle continued into high school, and before high school started my family had moved again. This time to Columbus, Indiana.
My experiences in Columbus were better than before. I was better at making friends, I had made conscious efforts at improving my appearance, and I had things to keep me busy (Band, Theatre, etc.). But depression still constantly left its mark, especially on my lack of confidence in relationships (dating, and otherwise) and it can be attributed to nothing but a lack of closeness with God. I was relying solely on others for affirmation of myself, and you can rely only on God for such things. I know this now.
This brings us to college. I chose to attend Lipscomb University, in Nashville, Tennessee because I felt God's tug, just a little. I met some great friends and a girl and everything went great for awhile. But as always, depression and my lack of closeness with the Father was my downfall, and my sophomore year everything fell apart. This lead to a decision in the fall of my junior year, not to return to Lipscomb.
I stayed home that fall, I went to Ivy Tech Community College, and I started taking medication and going to counseling for my depression. Bad idea. I also was working 35 hours a week at K-mart, and these things should never never never never never never EVER mix.
(This is where it gets "graphic". If you are easily saddened, maddened, or hurt, look away.)
It was close to this time last year that my depression had worsened to its all time low. I texted one of my friends (still at Lipscomb) and told her that I had been thinking about suicide. Since depression lets you think no one cares, when she didn't respond, I figured she didn't either. (This is where I usually start to cry, but since this isn't oral I wanted you to be aware) So I created a plan in my head, and actually walked out the door, intending never to return.
And then something incredible happened.
One of my best friends, going to school two hours away, showed up. Out of nowhere. He wanted to hang out, so we did. He wanted to see a movie. So we did. At the movie, my Lipscomb friend had recieved my text, and while my phone was off, I received an insane amount of voicemails and text messages. In her panic, she had called my ex-girlfriend, who had in turn called the friend that I was sitting next to.
After the movie, and a long couple hours of talking, I had broken down. My friend, sitting in the car with me, told me something that night that I will never forget. He said, "If you go home, and do something to yourself now...I'm gonna be SO pissed!"
And I laugh, now. But I hope you saw those last few paragraphs the same way I did. God. Saved. My. Life.
And I couldn't believe with more of my heart that I'm alive for a reason.
To round it out....
I went back to Lipscomb the following semester. I believe wholeheartedly that God intends for me to be here, or I wouldn't be.
I also worked at SpringHill Camp this summer, and shared this very same story with many, many junior high boys, in hopes that their lives will turn out better than mine.
And I am closer with God than I have ever been. I still have a long way to go and need as much help as I can get, but I now recognize when Satan attacks, and will never go back to that dark place. I love God, my family, and my friends, SO much. I aspire to live the best servant lifestyle that I possibly can, and to better the glory of God through everything I do. I love you. Yes. You. And may God bless you on the road ahead. I will blog again soon. Maybe. :)
God bless,
Nicholas A. Hogan
