Here We Go Again

Hello Internet. It's been awhile.

I feel pretty good about a few things in my life, like my girl is amazing. She's my best friend and I love how happy she makes me and how happy I seem to make her.

I'm working back at K-mart, but that has brought my confidence back. My confidence is delicate, but by and large, working at K-mart has put me back on the "find a good job for my future" course.


But here is my problem:

Everything I was passionate about months ago has fallen away. I'm in a show right now but it's difficult for me to connect to the material, and it's been a rough-going production for the cast and the director thus far, though things are finally looking up.

Also, I'm selling out and finding a big-boy job, because I want to have money to have a decent life for myself.

I have been telling people in job interviews that I am a people person, but I'm starting to think that's not true anymore. I used to take pride in my relationships because I put so much work into them and I had lots of friends that I cared about and cared about me.

But...living away from them is teaching me that...well...that I was wrong. It's so hard to think that people who were such a huge part of my life now barely talk to me. I can name 3 people from Nashville/Lipscomb that have contacted me first in the last three weeks. I'm not even that far away from them...should things really be this difficult?

My prayer today is that I make the most of my situation. Obviously, God knows what he is doing. But I long for the brotherhood (and sisterhood) that I once had. My prayer is that God takes control of my life and helps me not to need those things I once relied on. I pray that he gives me strength in all that I do, and keeps me forward on the path he wants for me.

Prayers and Comments are always appreciated and encouraged.

NAH

There and Back Again?

Okay. So here we are. Back in my first blog. And why?

Main reason is....I'm totally lost.

I got back on at K-mart because I was tired of not having any money. My parents seem sure that I'm going to immediately find a full-time job with benefits. I'm obviously (after two months of fruitless search) less convinced.

But all in all, my life just lacks clarity. For once, I'm absolutely certain where I want to go in my love life, and I'm almost as certain that God wants the same thing for me.

But here I am. 22. Heart for acting/theatre/the lot. I don't think I can live with myself if I'm not contributing to this world. And I settled for part time at K-mart while I look for a job, but I'm thankful for the flexibility which allows me to do a show, and I would do this for the rest of my life if I could. I don't mind a part-time retail job if my passion is being actively used to counteract it.

Here's the other problem: My future. I want to get married eventually and I have to have the money to support not only myself but (quite likely, anyway) someone else.

Options:

1.) Eventually find a full-time job, that I will likely hate and be less-than-qualified to do, or not at all interested in doing, but will make a good life for me and my future wife (fingers still crossed on that one).

2.) Graduate School- I'm torn about this one, because ideally I would study acting, but I could finish a Communication Studies degree faster, and I have that much better of a chance in the job market with Master's Degree. I would need to take the GRE VERY soon to have a chance of being admitted in the fall (to something other than an acting program, which don't always require it)

3.) Continue with my current course and work part-time while chasing the dream. I've been blessed with parents who aren't pressuring me (too much :P) to get out of their house. All of that stress, I have placed on myself.  Obviously, (as stated above) I'm okay with this for me, but pursuing life as a family man...I just don't know.

My girlfriend is very supportive in all this. She doesn't want me to give up my dreams for her sake (and I wouldn't) but I want the world for her, not for me. One (of MANY) reasons she is so great is that she understands my plight as an artist, and I hers. I would never trade that for anything.

Here's what I ask of my readers. Prayers. Encouragement. Advice. Anything you've got. I need to better in my own prayer life, too. Hopefully this well help push me there.

Anyway, I love you. Thanks for reading if you did. Comments are appreciated. :)

Nick

Okay so what now?

Exactly one month ago, I graduated from college with a Bachelor of Arts in Oral Communication and Minor in Theatre. What is one to do now?

I'm living with my folks back in Indiana, searching for jobs so I can save 80% of my money, give 10% to church and spend the other 10% on gas to get up to Indianapolis Auditions.

It's kind of a rough thing to do, really. Trying to find a "career" that isn't your calling and being too overqualified to make minimum wage?

God has looked out for me though. Because, I am DEBT FREE. (I have no money, but I also don't owe anybody anything, which is awesome!)

I also met this amazing girl (see "whirlwind crush" from previous post) and God has blessed my life in so many ways just by putting her in it.

That's my update in short. The question I pose today is...what do I do now? (And yes, just commenting with a link to a classified ad IS acceptable)

The other update: I will be starting a separate blog to write movie reviews....but it's going to be a very unique blog all at the same time. Details to follow.

God Bless!

Nick

My Summer

My summer (thus far) has been crazy. Some good, some bad. It's been a whirlwind and it's all starting to bog me down. Wanna hear about it? If you don't, stop reading! Fair warning...


So I started a killer-awesome internship with the IRT, got cast in two shows, and got reunited with my friends. Sounds like a great summer, right?

Those parts were. But little by little I start to feel edged out by my friends (not being able to hang out during the week does this to you) and the further I go on the less I feel like I am a part of the group.

Then, I get news that one of my best friends isn't coming back to school in the fall. I feel like...well....like I've lost my best friend.

The Reds traded Jonny Gomes (my favorite player) and aren't doing so hot lately. (Ok, I know that this one sounds silly, but I have a previous blog about how I escape into sports, and when I can't do that...)

A whirlwind of a crush makes me feel like my love life could never be under control.

There are plenty of things that happened that I won't mention. But, I can tell you, I've never had to work this hard to be happy. (or been this good at faking how I really feel)

Here is my prayer for today.

God,

Please bring my friends back to me. Show me back to you and to the life I should be living, and I know that everything will fall into place. I know that it will not be perfect but when I am back into your will for my life I will know. Help me to not be selfish in wanting my friends love or attention, or in putting my own life ahead of the ones I care about. Forgive me of my sins. I want you to take them away so that I don't feel burdened by them anymore. Please provide for me in Nashville. I can see you working on my relationships with people there to help fill the void. Help me to show the ones I love that I love them, and help me to feel like your child again.

-N


Thanks so much for reading if you did. I love you all and would love to be in deeper relationships with all of you if you would like :)


PS. On the bright side, I did get a lot of good playwriting material from this summer.

Rougher, Tougher, Not Any Better

Hey all.

I realize it's been quite awhile. I feel like I only write when I need something. I really need your prayers. My heart is hardening. I used to feel like I had a decent heart. I don't anymore. I still care deeply about all the people close to me, but I feel more bitter and apathetic by the day. My friends are hurting and I feel I can do nothing for them, other friends are drifting away and I feel trapped. Like my feet are in cement blocks. My past experiences are saving me from my depression. My friends help me exponentially, but only seeing them once or twice a week is just....difficult. My Lipscomb friends being gone makes everything worse, and I only thought being busy all the time would help.

I don't know where else to go. I don't have too many people I can talk to. I think most people in the church mistake my dry sense of humor for being rude and selfish. I wouldn't go as far as to say they "hate" me, but I don't think there is a general fondness there. Most of my friends have their own problems. I love them, and I'm glad to help them with their problems, but often times I feel like I am at best unequipped to help anyone.

My prayer today is for my friends. The people that I have the deepest love for. God, please help them. Show them your path and your light. You are the answer to their problems and to mine. I do not wish to force you on anyone, but I pray that you shine through me again so that I may shine to them. I pray that my heart softens and my apathy fades, for only through you can I truly love. Father, I know you will never forsake or abandon me. I know you are here. Help me to make the best of that.

Love,

Nick

PS. I hope I have offended no-one. I really do care for you all.

Broken

Dear Faithful Readers,

It has been awhile since I've written. I could probably find something more scholastically oriented to focus my time on...but as it stands at present, I do not care.

I don't feel like myself lately. Or maybe, this is the real me? I'm not sure yet. But I know that I've been filled with lots of hate, and I've been just a jerk lately. If I have been a jerk to you, I am sorry. I had a dear friend told me that he was angry at God last night. I think that's perfectly normal. I am too. I can totally relate to trying to be the best that I can be, and being a good person and doing everything to the best of my ability, and yet it seems I always fall short. There are SO many people out there who don't deserve relationships, who treat people badly, and yet...they succeed. Their lives are "better" than mine. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of them? I really just don't know what to do. I hate to even say that I'm angry at God, because I know he wants my life to be the best it can be. But the fact of the matter is....I'm getting angry when I know I shouldn't. At God AND everyone else.

So here I am. Broken. Not sure how much my life is worth at this point. Asking for A) Your forgiveness. And B) Your prayers. I love everyone who reads this, and I really need your help and your thoughts to help me. I'm hurting, but I love you still.

God Bless,

Nick

You were wrong, I was right, You said goodbye, I said goodnight.

I just want to update the world on how I feel today. I had a talk with my friend last night about how I felt about the way things went down versus how she felt about being a blog subject. I got an honest answer. Definitely not an answer that I wanted to hear in any way. But I got an honest answer. And honestly, even though I got little sleep last night and heard very little in the way of "wanting to hear", I feel great. Why's that? Because THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!

Obviously, this is a common theme with how I've lived my life thus far. I don't like lies. But even though I would much rather have heard the opposite of what I did hear, I'm SO glad that I heard the truth. I already feel better about myself and growth opportunities that I will have. My life just all of a sudden doesn't seem so bad. Because someone I think that I know pretty well and knows me pretty well, told me the truth. That is my challenge to you. Be honest. Do not try to protect someone's feelings because you think they can't take it, or you think that they might get hurt. Do it because it needs to be done. Give yourself the courage to do this. I promise you, from this example and countless others. The TRUTH will set you free. Not partial truth or mostly truth. The absolute truth will set you free.

I feel a million times better after only a day. Father, I pray for all the people in my life that need you more than I do. I pray that today, this semester, this year, that things go better for all of us. Because I love them, you love them, and you love me too.

God Bless you All. Thanks for reading. Feedback always appreciated.

Nick