My Summer

My summer (thus far) has been crazy. Some good, some bad. It's been a whirlwind and it's all starting to bog me down. Wanna hear about it? If you don't, stop reading! Fair warning...


So I started a killer-awesome internship with the IRT, got cast in two shows, and got reunited with my friends. Sounds like a great summer, right?

Those parts were. But little by little I start to feel edged out by my friends (not being able to hang out during the week does this to you) and the further I go on the less I feel like I am a part of the group.

Then, I get news that one of my best friends isn't coming back to school in the fall. I feel like...well....like I've lost my best friend.

The Reds traded Jonny Gomes (my favorite player) and aren't doing so hot lately. (Ok, I know that this one sounds silly, but I have a previous blog about how I escape into sports, and when I can't do that...)

A whirlwind of a crush makes me feel like my love life could never be under control.

There are plenty of things that happened that I won't mention. But, I can tell you, I've never had to work this hard to be happy. (or been this good at faking how I really feel)

Here is my prayer for today.

God,

Please bring my friends back to me. Show me back to you and to the life I should be living, and I know that everything will fall into place. I know that it will not be perfect but when I am back into your will for my life I will know. Help me to not be selfish in wanting my friends love or attention, or in putting my own life ahead of the ones I care about. Forgive me of my sins. I want you to take them away so that I don't feel burdened by them anymore. Please provide for me in Nashville. I can see you working on my relationships with people there to help fill the void. Help me to show the ones I love that I love them, and help me to feel like your child again.

-N


Thanks so much for reading if you did. I love you all and would love to be in deeper relationships with all of you if you would like :)


PS. On the bright side, I did get a lot of good playwriting material from this summer.

Rougher, Tougher, Not Any Better

Hey all.

I realize it's been quite awhile. I feel like I only write when I need something. I really need your prayers. My heart is hardening. I used to feel like I had a decent heart. I don't anymore. I still care deeply about all the people close to me, but I feel more bitter and apathetic by the day. My friends are hurting and I feel I can do nothing for them, other friends are drifting away and I feel trapped. Like my feet are in cement blocks. My past experiences are saving me from my depression. My friends help me exponentially, but only seeing them once or twice a week is just....difficult. My Lipscomb friends being gone makes everything worse, and I only thought being busy all the time would help.

I don't know where else to go. I don't have too many people I can talk to. I think most people in the church mistake my dry sense of humor for being rude and selfish. I wouldn't go as far as to say they "hate" me, but I don't think there is a general fondness there. Most of my friends have their own problems. I love them, and I'm glad to help them with their problems, but often times I feel like I am at best unequipped to help anyone.

My prayer today is for my friends. The people that I have the deepest love for. God, please help them. Show them your path and your light. You are the answer to their problems and to mine. I do not wish to force you on anyone, but I pray that you shine through me again so that I may shine to them. I pray that my heart softens and my apathy fades, for only through you can I truly love. Father, I know you will never forsake or abandon me. I know you are here. Help me to make the best of that.

Love,

Nick

PS. I hope I have offended no-one. I really do care for you all.

Broken

Dear Faithful Readers,

It has been awhile since I've written. I could probably find something more scholastically oriented to focus my time on...but as it stands at present, I do not care.

I don't feel like myself lately. Or maybe, this is the real me? I'm not sure yet. But I know that I've been filled with lots of hate, and I've been just a jerk lately. If I have been a jerk to you, I am sorry. I had a dear friend told me that he was angry at God last night. I think that's perfectly normal. I am too. I can totally relate to trying to be the best that I can be, and being a good person and doing everything to the best of my ability, and yet it seems I always fall short. There are SO many people out there who don't deserve relationships, who treat people badly, and yet...they succeed. Their lives are "better" than mine. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of them? I really just don't know what to do. I hate to even say that I'm angry at God, because I know he wants my life to be the best it can be. But the fact of the matter is....I'm getting angry when I know I shouldn't. At God AND everyone else.

So here I am. Broken. Not sure how much my life is worth at this point. Asking for A) Your forgiveness. And B) Your prayers. I love everyone who reads this, and I really need your help and your thoughts to help me. I'm hurting, but I love you still.

God Bless,

Nick

You were wrong, I was right, You said goodbye, I said goodnight.

I just want to update the world on how I feel today. I had a talk with my friend last night about how I felt about the way things went down versus how she felt about being a blog subject. I got an honest answer. Definitely not an answer that I wanted to hear in any way. But I got an honest answer. And honestly, even though I got little sleep last night and heard very little in the way of "wanting to hear", I feel great. Why's that? Because THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!

Obviously, this is a common theme with how I've lived my life thus far. I don't like lies. But even though I would much rather have heard the opposite of what I did hear, I'm SO glad that I heard the truth. I already feel better about myself and growth opportunities that I will have. My life just all of a sudden doesn't seem so bad. Because someone I think that I know pretty well and knows me pretty well, told me the truth. That is my challenge to you. Be honest. Do not try to protect someone's feelings because you think they can't take it, or you think that they might get hurt. Do it because it needs to be done. Give yourself the courage to do this. I promise you, from this example and countless others. The TRUTH will set you free. Not partial truth or mostly truth. The absolute truth will set you free.

I feel a million times better after only a day. Father, I pray for all the people in my life that need you more than I do. I pray that today, this semester, this year, that things go better for all of us. Because I love them, you love them, and you love me too.

God Bless you All. Thanks for reading. Feedback always appreciated.

Nick

Am I Crazy For Lovin' You?

The answer to the above question is yes. I am an idiot. I ACTUALLY believed you might have meant what you said. But of course I was wrong. I'm never wrong about anything in my life and I picked this one. Awesome. Well of course thanks. For nothing. I've been in situations before when I had to choose and I had to deliberate and decide between women, or other things. I'm really bad with decisions and usually, they all die. They fade. They leave before a decision is made. And I'm left....alone. But I was proud of myself. I had a decision made. And guess what? You reminded me why I was the way I was.

"People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated"- (500) Days of Summer

I wasn't sure that I agreed with the above statement at first. But I realize now that loneliness might be the life for me. I can do whatever I want. I'm bound by no one's schedule but mine, and the most important thing about loneliness- You don't get un-hurt just to get hurt again.

"Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature"- (500) Days of Summer

I don't know if a blog is literature. But it's helping.

My faith, God, is struggling along. I know that you are there and that you are real, and that you have purpose for me. I learned that in my darkest hour. But what I don't understand is why my life has felt the same for so long. If there is a map, why am I driving in circles? My prayer today is that you show me. I don't ask to see the whole plan. I know that's impossible. Maybe just....the next step? I'm always in prayer for my friends, Lord. Especially the ones who have it all together. I'm so afraid that I will get depressed and turn to things that I don't need in my life. That you want me to turn away from. Father guide me back. I am willing.


Thanks for reading. If you're going to post negativity just don't. If you have a problem talk to me about it, posting comments is not the way to do it. I love you all and if you have anything to say to me I encourage it. I just don't think you ought to post it here. Again, I LOVE YOU.

Nick

Question for the day...

Why does the world frown so much upon honesty? Wouldn't you like to just march up to someone and tell them that you think they're pretty? Or that they're cute? or that you've been in love with them for years? Or that they did a good job in that thing you saw them in? What prevents us, as humans, from doing this?

My answer: Fear of rejection. I fear that people that I think are pretty won't think that I'm pretty.

Your answer:  ?

GO!

What Can I Say? What Can I Do? But Offer This Heart, Oh God....

I have a lot of things running through my head right now. I am in prayer for all of my friends that need it. I know that they need it more than me, so I'm doing the best I can.

But I did one selfish thing this week. I dropped Jazz Band. Actually, I washed my hands of the Lipscomb Music Department. You wanna know why? ASK ME! But this is my blog so I'll tell you anyway: I was only in it for the money, and my dad told me that the money was not worth the stress it was causing me. He asked if I liked it, I said "No". So my folks talked about it and they let me drop. What you need to understand about it is that my folks are the only reason I was doing band. I wanted to help them out with my scholarship. When that became less important, I have no good reason to stay in band. I really don't have a reason to feel guilty, but for some reason people being mad at me is making me feel bad.

Here's the burning topic for the week. Lying.

Have you ever just been able to tell when someone is lying? I always have. This week, I am 95% certain that someone I really care about lied to me. I wish she had told me the truth. Maybe I just don't believe her because it hurt. But if it was going to hurt anyway, why not just use the truth? I've always been bad at this and making enemies because I refuse to lie. After all this time, do I really deserve to be lied to? Maybe I do. I dunno.


Sorry for all these unnecessary rants. This is my blog and some of this stuff just shouldn't be holed up inside. I'm having a hard time lately. I'll keep praying. Praying that I find a job this summer, that God launches me into a career, that God takes care of the people I love and that he will bless my life. And I'll pray for you too, if you need it. I love you all, and please comment or talk to me somehow. Facebook me. Text me. Let's be better friends. :)

God Bless,

Nick

Things I'm tired of hearing.

Here are a couple things I'm tired of hearing. If you're tired of hearing me.....stop reading.


1. "You have SO many options on what to do with your life."

- I'm going to let you in on a little secret.... I KNOW!!!!!!! I know I have options. As a matter of fact, that's the problem! I need my course cut out for me. I want opinions from people that know me. What should I do? What do you think I would be good at? What can you see me doing? I KNOW that I have options. Not the issue.

2. "You just haven't found the right girl yet"/"The right girl is out there"

-Umm......duh? (to the first), to the second: I don't believe that. I have been thinking about these phrases and I think that people telling you this is their way of telling you A) "I'm not interested" (even though I never said I was). Or, B) This is safety statement that condemns the possibility that I might be right. I don't believe in the one. I believe that two people can make a relationship work. Period. It's all about discipline and what God deems appropriate for your two paths. I don't think there is a "one", I think there are at least....8 who could do well. But I think the latter (B) is what people are really thinking. They're condeming the possibility that I might be right (like I always am) that I'm going to be lonely for some kind of a long time. They want me to be wrong because it crushes the romantic in them. The romantic who defies most logic and all reality. Which sucks, but I try to be realistic.

And don't get me wrong. I'd love to be proven wrong. (I'm saying "wrong" a lot) But....not happening. Anytime soon anyway.


I don't know what impression you got from this. If you've told me one of these things before, this is NOT (I repeat, NOT) an attack. At all. I love you all a lot. But the fact of the matter is that I'm tired of hearing this stuff. Try telling me something I don't know, or just keeping something to yourself. Please and Thank You! Love you readers! God bless!

Nick

Why Football is so important to me

I bet you are all wondering. Why is football so important to me? And then you saw the title of my blog and thought "I bet he's going to tell me". Well I am. So here goes.


There was a time in my life, in 2009, which is mentioned in a previous blog entry. At this time in my life, I didn't feel like I had much going for me. I felt like my life was at a dead end. Then every Sunday (The LORD's day, not a coincidence) the Colts would play. And for 14 straight weeks. They won. Have you ever needed that? That something, no matter how petty it may seem eventually? Literally the only thing I felt I had going for me was getting to witness this great season that MY team was having. It was a ray of sunshine on an overall cloudy experience.


Well listen. To a lot of you this sounds dumb, but I do this with anything I am passionate about. When my friends hurt, I hurt. I get into movies. I am competitive. I believe these things simply make me human. But I just wanted everyone to know that I am not emotional about football due to immaturity, or at least I do not believe that. I am emotional about football because it was once all I had. When the Colts lose it's like.....a friend is hurting. I just want to make it better but I can't.

Anyway. Thanks for reading. God bless.

Nick

I. Don't. Understand.

You really know who your friends are. You can always tell. It's obvious really. The other people that are "important" are people that you wish were your friends. There are so many people in my life that I wish cared about me. That I wish God would help me let go of. Come on big guy. I just don't want to hurt because of people who don't matter to me anymore......

I shouldn't blog when I'm tired

I'm not sure if that last one makes complete sense to me. But if it makes sense to anyone else, I'll leave it up.

Anyway, I'm really torn about 2011. Here is why.

There comes a point in every man's life when he has to grow up. 2011 is that time for me.

I, being the ultimate procrastinator, have put off "growing up" until the last possible chance. So, I've gotten all the way here, 2011, my 22nd year.... with nothing.

I have no inkling what I want to do with my life, no girlfriend, I'm terrible with money, and have no semblance of stability in my life. So, what's a guy (soon to be a man) to do? I had about 9 people click "like" on my facebook status telling me I was a good friend. Is there any way I can go pro?

I know that I would not have made it this far without God. He saved my life. He intends for me to be here, on this earth. He has plans, intentions, and uses for me. But...well. I guess sometimes it's scary walking through your life on faith alone. 21 years and 8 months, and no clue where you're going? Yeah. If it was a driving trip....I'd be a little worried by now that I didn't have directions.

I guess if you are reading this, talk to me. Give me advice. Ask for my advice. Be present. Be open minded. If I'm good enough to be a professional friend, be my friend! We can spend time together. But most of all I ask you to pray for me. Pray that I find that dirt road (obviously less traveled) that God has been dancing me around for the last 21 years. Pray for 2011. Pray for each other. Time spent in prayer is always time well spent.

I love you all. Thank you for reading. Text me sometime.

-Nick